I've never understood what's supposed to be fun about getting drunk. What's fun about slurring and stumbling and acting like an idiot? Or, even worse, falling down, vomiting, and passing out?
I guess part of the problem for me, is that I just have no tolerance for alcohol. I'm completely drunk after 3 or 4 beers. And being drunk is uncomfortable or painful for me. My face gets almost painfully warm after just two beers, and then I start getting a really bad headache. I'm usually in too much pain to get any enjoyment from being drunk.
That doesn't stop me from getting drunk occasionally, usually when I'm depressed. Which is a bad idea, because pretty much every time I get drunk, I get depressed, whether I was depressed before I started or not. Pretty much every time I get drunk, I end up punching brick walls, or at least fighting the urge to punch things and freak out. Especially if I'm in a party situation where there's more than two or three people around. Because I can't handle the social interaction, and I get pissed off. Pissed off at myself for not being able to be social, and pissed off at the other people because they can, and pissed off at God for making me be this way. If there is a God. Pretty much the only time I believe in God is when I want to blame Him for something. Or, when I'm really depressed, to cry and beg him to make me better, to make whatever is wrong in my brain go away, so that I can live like a normal person.
That's all I want in life, is to be able to live like a normal person.
I've been really bad again lately. I need to have the doctor write me a prescription for more Lexapro or something, and start taking that again. I wonder if they even still make Lexapro? I checked some of those online pharmacies, to see if I could get it cheaper from Canada or something, but none of them I've looked at have it. They have five or six other antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, but not that one.
I've been really bad lately, probably worse than I've ever been. Except for work, I've hardly left the apartment in close to two months. I keep not going to the store until I'm completely out of stuff to eat and HAVE to go. Until a couple of days ago, I hadn't even taken my trash out in weeks. I could barely even get into my kitchen for all the piles of trash everywhere and on every available counter space. Because along with the social anxiety, this time I seem to have developed a tremendous apathy. I just sit here at the computer every minute of the day, when I'm not at work. A week or so ago, I spent my day off sitting here at the computer, barely moving from the chair, for 14 hours. I just can't make myself do anything, even simple stuff, like pick up something that falls on the floor. I'm like "Oh, I'll pick that up later, maybe," and then it lays there for a week.
I'm a little better this last week, especially on the apathy thing. The other day I actually left the house and did some shopping. Then I just drove around town for awhile. It's been a long time since I did that, just cruised around town listening to music. There's parts of this town I hadn't seen in years. And it's a tiny town. Then I came home and cleaned up all the trash. Two and a half trashbags full. Then I cleaned the rat's cage.
Well, this post has already ended up being really long, so I guess I should just go all out and finally write about all the stuff that has happened since I last wrote a real post. Which was October.
On like the second or third or November, I joined a gym. I decided to finally get off my ass and join a gym, so I could get in shape enough so that I could finally realize my dream of taking a Karate class. I actually went to the gym too, almost every day. In fact, I went too much at first, and after a couple of weeks, I had to cut down and only go every other day at the most. By New Years I had lost 20 pounds and several inches, and was looking the best I've looked in my life. But now I've gained all of it back probably. I haven't weighed in weeks, but I bet I weight at least as much as I weighed before I started the diet, if not more. Around mid-December, I got really sick for about a month, and just never felt like going, so I got out of the habit of going. So then even after I got better, I just hardly ever went, and then now for the last month or so, as I've said, my social anxiety thing was too bad for me to go. Also, these last few weeks I've been eating tremendous amounts. Most of the weight I've gained back has been in probably the last two or three weeks.
Also, when I was going to the gym, and losing all that weight, it made me feel better, mentally as well as physically, I was actually enjoying being out around people, and almost had the confidence to have talked to women, but I didn't. It wasn't until I stopped going for a month or two, that my problem came back with a vengeance.
Christmas was pretty good. I got a really nice Digital Camera, I found it in a store later, and found out it costs almost $350. It's a Nikon Coolpix L1. 6.2 megapixels, 5x Optical Zoom, and takes video, as well as still pictures. I've wanted a decent digital camera for a long time now, but this one is too nice. It's too expensive, I'm afraid to leave the house with it. What I really want is like a cell phone with a built-in camera or something, or just some fairly cheap, but decent camera, so I can just carry it around with me at pretty much all times so I can take pictures of anything I see that I want to take a picture of.
That's pretty much all that's happened to me recently. Work has been the same as usual. It sucks. It's better than it was, because Dale got fired a few months ago. I can't remember if I ever wrote about that or not. A couple of other guys have worked there over the last few months, but they've all been fired now too. So now it's just me and my aunt Valorie, and, two days a week, the old man, Gene. He's in his 70s, and retired, but he works there and Ben just pays him cash under the table. He's a pretty good worker, he's worked there for a few years, but in November he went into the hospital for prostate cancer surgery, and had a mild heart attack during it, and was gone for almost a month, and since he came back seems to be showing his age now or something. In the mind, I mean. He is annoying to work with now. He messes things up and does things wrong a lot, and then I have to fix them.
Oklahoma has sucked the last couple of months. More than usual I mean. Half the state has burned down. We finally got a little rain the other day, but it was only between .5 and 1 inch for most of the state, so it did nothing to help the dryness. Until then, it had been like 120 days since some parts of the state got any amount of rainfall over a quarter of an inch. You can throw a cigarette out the car window, and the grass just bursts into flames. Dozens of people's houses have burned down, and like thousands of acres have burned. About a month ago, in one day alone, there were 34 new fires.
Speaking of houses burning down, Jared sent me his new phone number a couple of days ago, and said for me to call him. His house burned down a few months ago, and I hadn't really heard from him since. I really should call him, but I'm just so lazy and apathetic. I'm a bastard. I'll call him later today.