Strange Things are Afoot at the Circle K.: October 2002

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Randomness:

I want to get a tattoo of Tattoo, the midget guy from Fantasy Island. Then I could say, "Dude, wanna see my tattoo?" and then I'd show it to them, and they'd either laugh, or punch me.

I got a fortune cookie the other day, it said "You will soon witness a miracle." I wonder what's up with that?

I just got some porn junk mail yesterday from someone named "Cowpimp."

And speaking of that, look what I found. It's very disturbing, but funny. I'm a cow. It may take a while to load.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

My website now has over 100 links on the links page! But that's still all that's on my website. I'm drawing a complete blank on what I want my website to look like, how I want to do the layout and design. I could just stick a couple of half-assed temporary pages up there, but I don't like doing that, I'd rather get the site as close to complete as possible before I put it up.

Fuck. I'm tired. Very tired. I haven't been sleeping well lately. No, I don't know why.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

SUBJECT: TALKING MEAT

A dialogue by Terry Bisson. From a series of stories entitled
"Alien/Nation" in the April [1991?] issue of _Omni_.

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts
of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all
the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to
the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from
them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat
made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me
to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I 'm telling you. These creatures are the only
sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based
intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for
several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you
have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the
Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plamsa brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the
way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made
out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking.
The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat.
The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been
trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind."

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore
the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information.
The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio.
'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds.
You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They
talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by
squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do
you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any
and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without
prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase
the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make
contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat.
How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we
dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat
containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they
only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of
light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact
pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who want to meet meat? And the
ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed?
You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their
heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to
them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropiate, that we should be
meat's dream."

"And we can marked this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any
others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence
in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic
rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the
universe would be if one were all alone.


From: pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com Mon Apr 25 15:12:48 1994
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Subject: Cat Bathing
Reply-To: psl@acm.org (Peter S. Langston)
Sent-To: jittlov@erehwon.caltech.edu (Mike Jittlov)
Forwarded-by: Flip Breskin
Forwarded-by: Stephen Diercouff

-----------------------------------

CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging
the dirt where it hides and whisking it away. I've spent most of
my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've
been able to discount all the facts to the contrary -- the kitty
odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on
a hot day in Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it
has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place
your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

1) Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't
try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase
him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than
four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat
and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a
shower. A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can
shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician
can shift positions.

2) Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart
and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas
overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-
mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeved
flack jacket.

3) Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flack jacket.
Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside
the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if
you are lying on your back in the water.

4) Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him over to his supper dish. Cats will not
usually notice your strange attire. As a rule, they have little
or no interest in fashion. But if he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.

5) Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your
survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step
into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in
the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest 45 seconds of your life.

6) Cats have no handles.

7) Add the fact that your cat now has soapy fur, and the problem
is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more
that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub
like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water,
thereby rinsing himself off. The national record is (for cats)
three latherings, so don't expect too much.

8) Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn
out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed
to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot,
reach for your towel and wait. Occasionally, however, the cat will
end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage
him toward your leg. After all the water is drained from the tub,
it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even
become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster
figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule, he is simply plotting ways to get through your
defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give
him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

What's bad about this is that it actually makes perfect sense from a psychologist's point of view. This is a perfectly accurate appraisal of the book based on Freudian symbolism.

(I think that's the most intelligent sounding thing I've ever said.)


Message 1113:
From pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com Wed May 18 14:30:10 1994
Date: Wed, 18 May 94 12:51:30 -0700
From: Peter Langston
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Subject: BROTW (Book Review of the Week)
Reply-To: psl@acm.org (Peter S. Langston)
Sent-To: Mike Jittlov
Forwarded-by: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)

BOOK REVIEW

_The Cat in the Hat_ by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95

The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which
the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of
some of his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran
the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore
Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great
Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping
two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality.

The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned
by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their
single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol
dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them
to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other.
Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing
examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to
charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to
as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who
represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the
children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this,
the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his
umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"

After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ
figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most
notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer
of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children
experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our
heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus
completes the Oedipal triangle.

Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a
large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's
concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious
mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego
which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral
attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says,
"Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the
children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to
re-examine his own inner self.

The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically,
control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ
symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal
triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents
the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters'
lives back in order.

With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's
concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood
gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive
and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his
writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible
to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read
it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that
the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients
of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that
treats people for sexually transmitted diseases.
Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

http://citypages.com/databank/23/1142/article10824.asp

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD.
When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a
closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota
and they don't tell you they got something unless
they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like
a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched
with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger
of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend
from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that
bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell
like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other
baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has
disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked
like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend
and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman,
especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are
sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and
poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's
been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Saturday, October 26, 2002

This is something that was posted in a news group, I don't know the story behind this, or what it is, but it's funny. I don't know if this is completely fictional or if there really was someone who did this.


Message 1418:
From pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com Wed Mar 2 03:30:27 1994
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Subject: Concerning your recent submission
Sent-To: jittlov@erehwon.caltech.edu (Mike Jittlov)
Reply-To: psl@acm.org (Peter S. Langston)
Forwarded-from: /dev/null@gauss.asd.sgi.com
From: rowehe@lp.musc.edu


Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

From the "Those Wacky Japanese" file:

Japanese car manufacturers often give their show cars English-
style names. Here are a few names used on actual show cars
exhibited in Japan, as reported by Jean Lindamood in Automobile
Magazine:

Nissan Big Thumb
Nissan Leopard J Ferie
Nissan Fairlady Z
Mazda Bongo Brawny
Mazda Proceed Marvie Wild Breeze
Mazda Familia Interplay
Mazda Autozam Carol Melady
Toyota Hiace One Day Trip
Toyota Land Cruiser 80 Active Vacation
Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy
Mitsubishi Pajero Field Guard
Mitsubishi Delica Green Field
Mitsubishi Mirage Cyborg R
Mitsubishi Debonair Exceed
Mitsubishi MUM 500 Shall we join us?
(Yes, the question is part of the name.)
Daihatsu Rugger
Daihatsu D-Bag 4
Suzuki Escudo Esprit Fun-About 4x4
Suzuki Jimny Wild Wind
Suzuki Every Joy Pop Sound

As usual, be sure to check out my web page. I've done a lot of work to it the last few days, but you can't really tell, because most of what I did was just changing the code from old style HTML to XHTML and CSS, so it looks pretty much the same, but the code behind it is completely different. I did add some CSS features to make it look nice, and I've added a whole lot more links. There's almost 100 links now, most notably, the Anti-Scientology section. So click here now! You bastards, and she-bastards.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

I was off work yesterday and still didn't get to work on my website! I was downloading and installing stuff the entire day! And then some of the stuff didn't work. It pissed me off .

I went to CompUSA yesterday to look for some software. I hate driving up there, it's over 40 miles away, but it's the closest of something like only two stores in the entire state that sell Macs and Mac software. I was planning on buying some kind of graphics program, because all this computer came with was some stupid little program that barely does anything. I was wanting to get a pretty good program, maybe even one with 3D design capabilites. Graphic Design capabilites was one of the main reasons I decided to switch to Mac. But CompUSA only had a few programs, and almost all of them were upgrades only, so I couldn't use them. They only had two full programs, and they were ridiculously expensive. They had some Corel program that didn't look that great but still cost almost $600, and some other company's suite of programs for almost $1200. Those were the only choices. I guess I'm going to have to buy one online somewhere.

So instead of buying a graphics program, I bought the OS 10.2 upgrade, which was $129. I ended up spending almost $200 in all yesterday. So I went home and installed the upgrade and it took just over two hours to do it! I couldn't believe it took that long. Then after I got that installed there were all kinds of program updates from Mac I could download, and I spent the rest of the night downloading those, and then I downloaded the newest version of AOL. I was downloading programs until 2 in the morning, and I started at like 6 pm. And then after I got it downloaded, the new AOL version didn't even work for some reason.

OK, I'm gonna go work on my webpage now. The page might not expand as fast as I hoped, because I've got to learn how to code all over again. All I know is HTML, I just found out that hardly anyone uses HTML anymore, now I have to learn CSS and XHTML and DHTML. Should be fun. XHTML looks cool.

I'm a geek and proud.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

For Halloween, Samhain, whatever, I'm dressing up as God, and Alicia is dressing up as Jesus. Most likely, though, we're just going to take the easy way out and get a couple of those "Hello, my name is" name tags and write God and Jesus on them. I may get a whole bunch of them, and write different names of God on them, and stick them all over myself. "Hello, my name is God, Jehovah, Yahweh, Wotan, Odin, Ra, Pan, Bog, Iah, AFFA, Mammon, Shiva, Adonai Molach, Abulldad, Shamash, Iadabaoth, Crom.............."

Something I thought of tonight: Can't you just see Hugh Hefner as God? That would be great. Get Hugh Hefner to play God in some movie, Hugh Hefner lounging around in that silk robe/pajamas outfit he always wears. And just think of all the hell the Christians would raise over the movie. They'd be picketing the movie and people connected with the movie would be getting death threats. That would be the best. I wish I could make that movie.

Check out my new webpage. There's not much there yet, except a lot of links, which is going to be the main function of the site for a while, a site devoted to weird links. Visit often though, it should expand rapidly. I'm going tomorrow to by some new HTML how-to books, because it's been a few years since I coded much, and all my books and skills are outdated, old code. My book is over HTML 3, and I think it's up to 4 or 5 now. It still works, but I'm sure there's been some improvements and additions over the years.

My Webpage: The International House of Slack.

I have a website now! Well, part of one anyway, but it will steadily get larger. Right now it's just a large list of links, a list that will grow constantly. Click here!

Friday, October 18, 2002

Jesus of the Week. Every week a new Jesus, or check out the Jesus of the moment for even more Jesus fun.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Last night at work sucked. I had to clean the bathrooms, which is nothing new, but when I went to clean them, the men's room was completely and totally disgusting. This is also nothing new, but it was even worse than usual. Men's rooms are the nastiest, filthiest places on the planet. Usually when I go in there I have to clean snot off the wall from where people have picked their nose and wiped it on the wall while they're on the toilet. And there's often crap smeared on things, and I mean actual crap.

Last night it was even worse. The toilet had been filled with toilet paper, to the point that all the water had been sucked up and the paper had formed a big coagulated lump that filled most of the toilet. And then, since the toilet was stopped up, someone had taken a crap in the urinal, or something. It was just a piece of some crap, not an entire turd, I don't know if someone had just put it in there, or if they'd taken a crap in the urinal and got most of it to flush, or what. I don't want to know what some people do in our bathroom. Also, someone's kid had thrown up in the floor. I say it was a kid or a baby, because it was just a tiny pile, and judging from the looks of it, and the smell of the entire bathroom, it was a pile of fresh Froot Loops or Trix cereal.

I'm glad I don't have to clean the bathrooms for almost another week. I only have to clean them on certain days. It makes it worse that the new cleaner we have to use is some really strong bleach spray, it smells like Tilex or something. Some of the employees are allergic to it, and even the ones that aren't have a hard time using it. With me it makes it really hard to breathe, and I have a runny nose for the rest of the night. One time the bathrooms were really dirty, and I had to spray so much of it that it made it very hard to breathe, irritated my skin, turning my face and hands red and then I threw up. We all hate the cleaner, but we have to use it, the company made us switch to new chemicals recently.

I have to go to work now, but at least I don't have to clean the bathrooms.

The Principia Discordia, the "Bible" of the Discordian religion. You can buy it at most bookstores, or have them order it, but this online version is just as good, it's complete, with nothing missing. Even all of the little pictures are here. I have a copy of it, and I haven't noticed any major differences between it and this version. The Pricipia Discordia

And on a related note, here's the website of one of my favorite authors, Robert Anton Wilson. The Illuminatus! Trilogy is one of my favorite books. Robert Anton Wilson

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

A while back I mentioned Jerry Falwell and his bad mouthing of Islam, homosexuals, liberals, abortion rights activists, pagans, feminists, and pretty much everyone else that isn't a hardcore member of the so-called "Moral Majority." Well, here's a story from this week's Newsweek about the same thing:
Time to Take on America's Haters

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Last week I said that Tuesday would be links day, but, as you can see, I didn't post any links yesterday. This is not my fault, I tried to. I got online yesterday morning, and got about half my post written, but had to go to work before I could get it done and online. Then, while I was at work, the phone company did something across the street, (or so I'm told) and my phone line was screwed up the rest of the night and I couldn't get online. But now this afternoon it started working again, so here is the post I had intended for yesterday:

Okay, it's Tuesday, and time for links.

This is great. What's sad is that I seriously considered buying it:
eBay item 1389351787

This too, it's so weird I almost HAVE to buy it:
eBay Item 912691540
Make sure you read the artist's bio and description of the artwork, that's the best part.

I found both of those items on this great site:
Disturbing Auctions

Now here's a movement I can REALLY get behind. The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement. And no, it's not a joke, they're serious:
www.vhemt.org

And also, here's a pagan/wiccan view on Overpopulation and why we shouldn't reproduce:
Children and Overpopulation (#5)

Face it, this world is full of people who shouldn't reproduce. Like that total idiot you met yesterday, or that guy with the windbreaker tied around his head, or that person in the "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" picture in the post below.

It's times like this I wish I spoke and read more than a few words in Japanese. I don't what the hell it is, but I do know it's what happens when you mix ascii art with flash animation. I don't know why the cats have penises on their heads, though. I don't know what's going on here, but its extremely funny:
chinko_anesan.swf
There's also this one: uwan.swf



Here is a flash movie that I find to be extremely funny. It's from The Brunching Shuttlecocks, which is a funny site, check it out:
The Adventures of Evil Overmom

Here is another cool site, with various things, including lots of tests and polls you can take, such as these:

My insulting name is Republican Udderbottom!
What's yours?



Which annoying B-list celebrity are you?
Cool, I like Pauly Shore.

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?
The Story Elements area of the site is cool too, it might come in handy.
Rum and Monkey

Ok, I had more links than that I intended to put up, but I'm having a hard time getting this post online, so I'm stopping here, before something really screws up.



Friday, October 11, 2002

People are so stupid:



The saddest thing about this is that only 80% of the audience knew it.

I read somewhere once that in the Russian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, no one asks the audience, because the Russian people are so poor, they are jealous and don't want the person to win, so they will purposely give the wrong answer. I don't know if this is true or not, I don't know if they even have this show in Russia, but that's what I read somewhere once, and I think it was on a real news website that I read it.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I got this from the website of the smart, talented, and beautiful, Friday Jones.


WHY MAD SCIENTISTS
ARE BETTER THAN SCIENTISTS

Scientists: Work in clean, well-lit, aseptic lab 
Mad Scientists: Work in dank, gloomy, musty cellars and sometimes nifty castles

S: Must follow a dress code - slacks, tie, and a normal haircut
MS: Can wear black rubber and have waist-length hair, if they like

S: Personal idol - Madame Curie
MS: Personal Idol - Baron Frankenstein

S: Talk in calm, rational voices 
MS: Scream "It’s alive!  IT'S ALIVE!" while cackling maniacally

S: Often dependent on federal funding, requiring endless paperwork
MS: Fund their experiments by making and selling mutant babies

S: Throw parties where the biggest excitement is three kinds of appetizers 
MS: Throw parties where the biggest excitement is fighting the giant squid in the basement

S: All experiments must be approved by a board of their peers
MS: Can just experiment - no matter what, where, when, who or why (Don’t believe that they have any peers)

S: Drive small, conservative, boring cars
MS: Drive second-hand hearses or trucks that they can stash a spare body in - excellent for backseat make-out sessions

S: Must work under annoying fluorescent lighting
MS: Can work by torchlight - or candlelight

S: Keeps their romantic and professional lives strictly separate
MS: Tie their dates down on the slab and really go to town

S: Secretly yearn to be Mad Scientists
MS: Secretly yearn to rule the world with an army of radioactive gorillas
_____________

And also this:

How can you tell if that schoolbus in front of you is for retards or for normal kids?

If the bus is full of retards, they will be randomly thrashing about, banging their heads on the windows, displaying funny faces, and making rude and ludicrous noises.

If the bus is full of normal kids, they will be randomly thrashing about, banging their heads on the windows, displaying funny faces, making rude and ludicrous noises - AND holding signs up to the window that say "I WANT TO SUK YOUR COCK CALL ME ***-***-**** (phone number not listed to prevent harassment of a minor)" and prominently displaying the cell phone in the other hand.

The human female displaying this sign appeared to be about twelve; also, even if it wasn't retarded, it seemed to believe that I was a male human.
_____________

And this was not on her web page, but it's also by her:

"Curious George liked riding in the big shiny limousine! He looked at the
grassy knoll and saw a bright flash just before his brains exploded out of
his skull.

And Jackie ate of the brains, and they were good."

The average American lifespan is approximately 75 years. School takes up 17 (counting college), sleep takes another 23.
You've got 35 years left, make them count.

Unfortunately, depending on where you live, several of those years will be spent in traffic.

And you're outnumbered 6 billion to 1 on this planet.

This is great.

Definitely one of the lesser known of mythical bests, you are described as having the head and legs of a cock, the body of a serpent, and the wings of a bat (although there are wingless varieties). You were the blame of hundreds of thousands of deaths in the middle ages. Your breath and even gaze was deadly. Hundreds of basilisk hunts were organized to get rid of you. The hunters would carry mirrors so that, if they encountered you, they would have you look in the mirror and destroy yourself! Weasels were also reputed to be able to kill you, as they could resist your deadly gaze. You were a potent symbol of death and in some cultures the embodiment of Death himself. In Christianity, the Basilisk was linked with Satan.
What mythical beast best represents you?

Although the test isnt very accurate. The first couple of times I took it, it kept saying I was a unicorn, with powers to heal, and the nicest mythical creature ever, even though I kept answering the questions evilly. I finally figured out that it was because I said I could be lured to my death by virgins.

Time for a patented Kevin Underwood bitch fest.

I went to Sonic for lunch today. It was completely nasty. My bacon cheeseburger was cold, and the bun was hard, and the whole thing tasted like it was a couple of hours old. The chili-cheese fries were also very cold. The chili and cheese had turned into a hard mass and only was on about a third of the fries anyway. The fries themselves were cold and hard too. And they only gave me a plastic spoon to eat it with. A plastic fork would have been nice. The spoon would have worked if the food had been fresh, but a spoon would not cut through the hard, coagulated mess. They also only gave me one napkin. Even my drink was gross. I got a Route 44 size cherry limeade. The drink, while red, had no cherry flavor. It just tasted like a limeade, and a really strong, sour one at that. Even ordering the food was a hassle. I pressed the little button, and had to wait three or four minutes before anyone answered. And they weren't even busy, there were four cars there besides me. And the lady who took my order didn't know what she was doing. She could barely work the headset, it sounded like, and then when she read the order back to me she said, "that's a Sonic Bacon Cheeseburger, a large chili-cheese fry, and a small, I mean, Route 44, cherry limeade. That'll be $4.67, I mean, $7.67." That's another thing I don't like about Sonic, they are too exspensive. That's why I hardly ever eat there.

And then, while I was waiting for my food, I noticed something else that bothers me. Spelling and grammar mistakes on signs. I noticed a store across the street and painted on the front window was, "Used furniture and appliances," only furniture was spelled "furnituer."

Then I decided to drive out to the lake to eat my meal. I don't really have any complaints about that, except that on the ground right outside my car door was a ripped pair of black panties. Oh well, at least it wasn't used condoms like usual.

Okay, the bitch fest is done.

Here's something interesting I found last night. A page about the perils of flouride in the water. No, it's not one of those weird mind-control conspiracies. But did you know that flouride is one of the deadliest poisons in anything except miniscule amounts? It also sites research that links flouridated water with an increase in certain medical conditions, such as cancer, immune deficiency, and the fusing together of the vertebrae. Click here to read more.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

"U.S. Admits Germ Warfare Tests During Cold War

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The United States acknowledged on Wednesday it carried out a sweeping Cold War-era test program of chemical and germ warfare agents on American soil and in Britain and Canada. An unknown number of civilians were exposed at the time to 'simulants,' or what were then thought to be harmless agents meant to stand in for deadlier ones, the Defense Department said. Some of those were later discovered to be dangerous. "

This is supposed to be news? I thought they admitted to that years ago. I've known about for years, anyway. I've never heard of them doing it in Britain, though.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Click here for more cases of the goverment using unsuspecting citizens as Guinea Pigs.

The Reverend Jerry Falwell has made another one of his incredibly insensitive and hateful "christian" remarks.

"I think Mohammed was a terrorist." He says, speaking of the Prophet Mohammed, Islam's founder and sacred figure. This is from the man who said that the September 11th attacks were the fault of the homosexuals and the liberals.

I hate this guy.

Hmmm, I've posted a lot of links today. (By the time I actually get this typed and posted it will probably be yesterday, though.) I think from now on, Tuesday will be links day. At least for awhile, I'm not good at sticking to schedules. (In my head I just pronounced that "Shedule" like the British sometimes do.)

Anyway, now I have something special for you. I am proud to present the words of Kerry Wendell Thornley.

Kerry Wendell Thornley Says:
Relax in the Safety of Your Own Delusions.


Tell yourself that I speak cryptic whenever I get the chance, that I like talking to you in the gibberish I've had to invent in order to find out anything at all from you about what you, and the pigs whose asses you perpetually kiss, are doing with MY LIFE. Just keep right on believing that what I order for breakfast is relevant, whereas the plain intent of my words is not. Listen to everything the agents of Gerald Ford and Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger and Howard Hunt and Meyer Lansky tell you about what I actually mean to say, and pay no attention to the fact that I am a witness to the John Kennedy and Lee Oswald murders.

Just keep right on believing that I am the one who is a racist and a puritan and they, on the other hand, are psychedelic hippie radicals with flowers in their hair.

Relax, it all has to do with karma and reincarnation -- don't think about it and maybe it will go away. Electro-chemical mind control doesn't have anything to do with it. Nothing that terrible could ever happen in this country. And even if it did, it wouldn't happen to you. So go right on believing it is all metaphysical. What the hell? You might as well believe something. Right?

Never mind where the Urantia Foundation gets its money or where the World-Wide Church of God gets its power! What the hell business is that of yours? Worry, instead, about whether or not your next-door neighbor is into ass fucking, or whether or not his wife masturbates. Why make a half-assed fool out of yourself when you can be a complete fool, instead? In addition to worrying about the sex lives of strangers you might want to also take up quarreling about religion.

Since the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket, since the U.S. Constitution now serves a purely decorative purpose, and since your whole nation is being enslaved by an elite technocracy of Neo-Nazis disguised as Bolsheviks, why the hell not squander all your time gossiping? Go right ahead -- keep it up until every human being who differs from you racially, psychologically, sexually, ideologically, or religiously hates your no-good busy-body guts.

You don't need them to help you throw off the ruling class. There isn't any such thing as a ruling class in this country anyway. If there was, then you wouldn't be able to vote and thereby elect your own oppressors, right?

And even if there is a ruling class, they don't have the goddamned Russian government working for them as a bunch of quasi-fascist scabs and, in any case, they certainly don't want to insert silicone chips into the bases of your skulls and thereby manipulate your behavior. Things like that are too paranoid to be true.

So relax. If that is difficult, trying to repeat this mantra over and over to yourself will help: LEE HARVEY OSWALD, ACTING ALONE, MURDERED PRESIDENT KENNEDY; LEE HARVEY OSWALD, ACTING ALONE, MURDERED PRESIDENT KENNEDY...But you have to say it with conviction if you want it to work. Does that sound difficult? Where is your faith? How do you expect to accomplish anything without faith?

That's all right. Don't worry about anything I say here. Everyone knows that I speak very mysteriously at all times, seeming to say one thing while actually saying something else. Just ask Gerald Ford or any retired member of the CIA Psychological and Political Warfare Unit.

Actually I'm just a paranoid. You see, John F. Kennedy and Lee Oswald actually both died of natural causes, and the country has been in beautiful shape ever since then anyhow.

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

Praise "Bob"


Eternal Salvation, or Triple Your Money Back!


Or, for a quick introduction to The Church of the SubGenius, Click Here.

Also try this: Chapter One of The Book of the SubGenius.

...else I shall set Tubby, the Magic Beef Monster to kill you!

Is it just me, or does "beef monster" sound really dirty?

The best site on the internet: www.Zombo.com.

Another good one: T-Shirt Hell. And be sure to check out their new Underwear Hell section.

Yay! Swearbear.

I'm bored. But these sites are helping.

Monday, October 07, 2002

Not much to tell today. I've spent the last few days playing Kingdom Hearts and reading. I have now finished "Tale of the Body Thief," and "Memnoch the Devil," and have just started "The Vampire Armand." My reading has slowed a bit, I'm not reading much now, because I'm playing Kingdom Hearts and doing other stuff. I'm mainly only reading while on break at work now.

Here's something Alicia sent me in the email the other day. I don't get some of them. I can't figure out what movies a few of them are from.

The Top 16 Famous Quotes from Redneck Movies

16> "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle... and your first
and second cousin, your nephew..."

15> "We'll always have Wal-Mart."

14> "What does it feel like? Kind of like sticking your fingers
in warm chicken fried steak with gravy."

13> "You had me at 'Sooooey!'"

12> "Houston, we have a 'possum."

11> "You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Uncle Ed?"

10> "I feel the need... the need for sheep."

9> "Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"

8> "Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
pull her '68 Rambler into mine."

7> "I... see... Black people."

6> "Use the horse, Luke!"

5> "I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o'
Jack Daniels."

4> "Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."

3> "I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
only five? Well, hell if I know! You KNOW I cain't count
no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"

2> "My daddy always said, 'Life is like a ten-dollar hooker --
you never know what you're gonna' get.'"

and the number 1 Famous Quote from a Redneck Movie...

1> "You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"

Saturday, October 05, 2002

Tonight at work I just suddenly started laughing uncontrollably because I remembered Tofu. Tofu is a character in some of the weird stories my best friend, Chris, wrote during high school. All of these stories were very weird. Very weird. One of them was a very short story about a monkey that somehow swallowed a 300 pound mango seed, and then split in half when he took a crap. That was the entire plot, and the actual story was just a few sentences long. He handed that one in for a grade, and actually got an "A" on it. Unfortunately, there are no existing copies of that story, that I know of.

Anyway, several of these stories starred Bubba. Bubba is the stupidest man on the planet, his catch phrase is "Why for you do dat?" He says that at some point in each story. Also in the "Bubba" stories was a character named Tofu. Tofu is a two-ton midget. Tonight at work I got a mental image of what exactly a two-ton midget would look like and started laughing very long and loud. I just did it again when I wrote about Tofu just now. I think I woke my sister up in the next room.

I have copies of one or two of the Bubba stories, and some of Chris' other stories. Unfortunately they are packed away with the rest of my stuff at the moment, and I don't know exactly where. Wait, I think I might have them in a text file on my computer somewhere...

Hmmm, they're not on this computer, maybe they're on the laptop, but I doubt it. If thought I transferred copies of all my text files to this computer. I thought I typed up the Bubba stories once... Ok, I'm still waiting for the laptop to boot up. It takes it like 10 minutes, really, and then it barely works when it does start up. But I'll save all those complaints for some other time. Ok, it's finally done...

Damn, the stories are nowhere to be found. I even checked Chris' old, defunct web site.

Anyway, the stories were all short, and none of them made much sense. They were mostly about two-ton midgets and people placing gerbils up their ass. But they were all hilarious. Some other characters were Fluffy the Gerbil, and Porridge Rump (sounds like Forrest Gump).

In the story I was going to put on here Bubba's just walking home with a big basket full of Ho-Hos snack cakes for his mother who is the size of a small house. When along comes Tofu, the two-ton midget. "Hey Bubba," Tofu says, "gimme all your ho-hos." "Okay," Bubba replies stupidly. When Bubba gets home his mother is very angry. "Why did you give him all the ho-hos?" she asks. "Because he asked for them," says Bubba. His mother replies, "Boy, you've got to be the stupidest person on the face of the planet," and sits on him.

So, as you can see, the stories are very low brow humor, but me and all my friends loved them. You think his stories were weird? Sometime I'll have to tell about Jared's stories. They were at least 10 times weirder. How weird? A couple of the stories featured Ronald Reagan's secret identity, Obi-Ron Kenobi, with his Ronald Ray-Gun. Oh man, I love that.

...and I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

I've had a busy day today. Busy doing nothing, that is. I was off today so I went to the Wal-Mart Supercenter in Norman. Our town is so pathetic it doesn't even have one. We have a Wal-Mart, but it is very tiny, as Wal-Marts go. It doesn't have groceries or anything, like the supercenters do, it's just a regular, old, Wal-Mart. The kind they had back in the day. What day, I don't know. It's not even open 24 hours. Like everything else in this town, it closes by 9 pm. Most of the things in this town aren't even open that late. On Sunday most of the places in town are closed, the Wal-Mart closes at 5 or 6 pm. It used to be 5, but I think they changed it.

Anyway, I drove to Norman and went to the Supercenter and got some more Maruchan Noodle Cup Things. I'd been out for several days. I also bought a new video game, Kingdom Hearts, for the Playstation 2. This game is like a Disney/Final Fantasy crossover. It's made by Square, the Final Fantasy company, and it features new characters, plus characters from previous Final Fantasy games, and over 100 Disney characters. The game has different worlds, all of which are based on different Disney Animated Features, such as Alice in Wonderland, Aladdin, Tarzan, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Since when is Nightmare Before Christmas a Disney movie? I had no idea. I'm not complaining though, I love that movie, and can't wait to play that stage.

And, yes, unfortunately, Winnie the Pooh and company are in the game also.

The game isn't as bad as it sounds. I, and most Final Fantasy and Square Soft video game fans were worried about this game. But it is actually very good, and very well done. The game benefits from the Disney voice acting. Most of the Disney characters are voiced by major actors, presumably whoever did their voice in the movie, I guess, when that's possible. The voice of the main character you play as is done by Haley Joel Osment. Other big name voice actors are Billy Zane, Mandy Moore, Lance Bass (as the voice of Sephiroth, no less. I wonder how that's gonna work out?), Sean Astin, Dan Castellaneta, James Woods, and about 30 others.

Your main group of people that you play as are the "Final Fantasy Type" character, Sora, and the Disney characters, Donald Duck, who is a wizard, and Goofy, who is a knight. In many of the stages you are joined by some character from the movie on which the stage is based, but they leave after a while.

The battle system and play style is different from most video games like this. Instead of the screen changing into a battle mode in which there is not that much movement, the enemies are right in the stage with you, you can fight them, run from them, jump over them, whatever. The battle system is more like that of the Legend of Zelda games for the Nintendo 64. You can lock onto the enemies for better accuracy, but it also leaves you a little more open to attacks from any enemies that come up behind you while you are fighting. You do most of your fighting with the "Keyblade," a sword that looks like, you guessed it, a giant key. You can also use magic, including Summon spells. The summoms spells summon Disney characters, such as Dumbo, who sprays water from his trunk, and Bambi, who hops around leaving a trail of items to help you.

I played for about 4 hours, so I am not that far yet, but it looks to be pretty good.

www.kingdomhearts.com